Harry Potter And The Dead Detective.
by Wyvern's Elucidated Brethren
Summary: After one of the Hogwarts ghosts goes missing, Dumbledore enlists the services of the only detective agency with a ghost on its books. Randall and Hopkirk/Harry Potter crossover. **Chapter 2 up**
1. 1

A/N: This was written by my best mate Kinky Jaz, who asked me to post this for her. It's a Harry Potter/Randall and Hopkirk crossover and it's really good :)   
  
Harry Potter and the Dead Detective- Chapter One   
  
It was an ordinary day for Jeff Randall as he pulled into the car park outside the offices; he was cold, he wanted some crisps, and he was late for work. It was for these reasons he failed to notice the cat that was sitting in his parking space until it was almost too late. There was a bump, but as he rushed out of the car to check Jeff saw that the cat was all right. It simply favoured its right rear paw slightly as it leaped onto a wall, from where it turned and gave Jeff the angriest glare he had ever seen, human or feline, through eyes that were surrounded by strange markings almost like a pair of glasses. "Sorry", he said as he grabbed his briefcase from the car, which promptly burst open and scattered his papers everywhere. The cat gave a swish of its tail and sauntered off. It was one of the worst days of Jeff's life, and he'd only been awake an hour.  
  
"Morning Jeff", Jeannie greeted him brightly and Jeff's spirits began to lift. They soon fell again as he realized that Jeannie was alert, cheerful and working at the computer at a time when he had just managed to stagger into the office with a disorganized briefcase and a feline near-death experience on his conscience.  
  
"Jeff, your flies are open." Jeannie smiled teasingly at him, then turned back to the monitor. With a growl of frustration on several levels, Jeff sank into his chair.  
  
"Morning Jeannie, I'm sorry I was late, my alarm clock didn't go off."  
"That's ok Jeff. Would you like some coffee? You don't look quite awake yet."  
"Thanks Jeannie, but I'll get it myself." Jeff sighed to himself as he walked over to the percolator. Jeannie was beautiful, intelligent, funny, and Marty's girlfriend. The latter wasn't quite strictly true, as Marty had been dead for over a year. However his ghostly presence still quite literally haunted Jeff, and Marty wasn't too keen on him getting anywhere with Jeannie. They had been growing closer recently, with the occasional meal or trip to the cinema, but afterwards they just gave each other a quick kiss and said good night. The next day they would go back to just being friends and workmates.  
  
Jeannie left the office at eleven to do some shopping. Almost immediately, a swirl of ectoplasm heralded the arrival of Marty Hopkirk, the deceased member of the detective agency. He leaned over Jeff's shoulder as he struggled to rearrange his papers and blew gently. Jeff swore as the sheets slid over the edge of the desk.  
  
"Language", Marty chided him. "How come our case notes are all muddy like that anyway?"  
"Me briefcase broke, ok Marty?"  
"Why were you so late?"  
Jeff looked up suspiciously. "How did you know I was late?" Was it his imagination, or did Marty look guilty? "Marty…"  
"Ok, I'm sorry. I got bored so I levitated the battery out of your alarm clock"  
Jeff's patience was at breaking point. He gritted his teeth. "Marty…"  
  
"Did you know you look stupid when you're asleep?" Marty quickly dissolved as Jeff growled and swiped his hand through the air where Marty's ghostly form had been. He reformed in front of the desk and Jeff chucked a pencil sharpener at him. It hit the door just as it opened. In stepped Jeannie, followed by two of the strangest people Jeff had ever seen. They were a man and a woman, wearing long dark cloaks. The woman was stern looking with glasses. Jeff noticed she walked with a limp. The man was much more genial looking, with long flowing silver hair and a beard. Jeannie gestured to Jeff. "Professor McGonagal, Professor Dumbledore, this is my partner Jeff Randall."  
  
"Pleased to meet you". As Jeff shook hands with Professor McGonagal he couldn't escape the feeling he had seen her somewhere else recently.   
"Mr. Randall, let me start by apologizing for damaging your briefcase. I should have held my temper in check." Jeff's confusion must have shown on his face.   
Dumbledore cleared his throat. "Mr. Randall, I'm afraid you and Ms Hurst must brace yourselves for a shock. Professor McGonagal and I are not all we appear to be."  
Professor McGonagal broke in, "I am a witch. Professor Dumbledore is a wizard."  
  
Jeff's first response was to burst out laughing. He fought down the urge out of politeness. The professors were deadly serious, watching Jeff and Jeannie to try and gauge their reaction. Jeannie spoke first.   
"I'm sorry, I don't think we've had any experience in dealing with wizards before…" She caught Jeff's eye and looked meaningfully at the telephone. Dumbledore stepped forward. "I understand perfectly. The magical community has kept itself rather well hidden from non-magical people such as yourself. Perhaps a demonstration would be in order. Minerva?"  
Jeannie now began edging towards the phone herself. Professor McGonagal ignored her however, and instead removed her cloak. She took a wand from her belt and spoke a few words in a language neither Jeff or Jeannie could understand, but which made both of them tingle and wish that they did. Jeff felt the hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Professor McGonagal was shrinking, changing. In a few moments a cat was sitting where she had been. It looked smug and began licking its paw.  
  
Jeannie stifled a scream. Jeff simply stared as though his eyes would pop out of his head. On top of everything else, he actually recognized the cat.  
"I'm really sorry I hit you this morning! God, I might have run over the first client we've had in weeks! I'm so sorry…" He reflected for a second on whether he should stroke her, but decided against it.   
  
Professor McGonagal transformed herself back to human form as Jeff and Jeannie stared at her white faced. Dumbledore spoke:  
"You've taken it remarkably well. Most muggles would have run away screaming by now."   
  
Jeff looked as though that was something he was seriously considering. Jeannie, however, pulled herself together and walked slightly unsteadily to her desk. She sat down, took a pen and paper, and got down to business. "Now, Mr. Dumbledore. Perhaps you could give me some details, and we could discuss the case. Please, take a seat."  
  
Jeff sat down too. He found it very difficult not to gawp admiringly at Jeannie's professionalism. He always found it slightly arousing when she took control of a situation. No, this wasn't helping matters. He resolved firmly not to look at Jeannie, and focused instead on Dumbledore. That was a bad move, as Marty was hovering just above Dumbledore's head and making gestures of derision towards the wizard's long beard.   
  
Despite the distraction, Jeff managed to answer the queries directed towards him by the clients. Jeannie appeared to be arranging the details of the case. There were mentions of a school, Christmas time and, wow! broomsticks. After a while Jeannie got up and went out to get some expense forms.   
  
Marty drifted over. "Jeff, you dirty get, stop leching at Jeannie!"   
Dumbledore smiled genially.   
"Ah, Mr. Hopkirk. I've been waiting to have a word with you." It was one of the few times Jeff had ever seen Marty speechless.   
"You… you can see Marty?"   
Marty had obviously had enough of the whole speechless thing. "How can you see me?! Could you see me just now?"  
"Oh yes. I simply felt it best not to mention your presence" said Dumbledore. "I understand Ms Hurst is unaware of you?" Marty nodded. It was a novel experience, being able to talk to people other than Jeff. He decided he rather liked it.  
"Can all wizards see me?"  
McGonagal nodded coldly. "I certainly can".   
Marty felt excited. "At this school we're going to… will everyone be able to see me?"  
Dumbledore nodded. "Including Ms Hurst. The atmosphere of magic is so strong at Hogwarts that hidden things become visible."  
"So how come you can see me here?"  
"The short answer, Mr. Hopkirk, is 'Years Of Study'."  
  
Jeff wanted to find out what he'd missed while he had been distracted, but Marty kept interrupting with childish questions. He seemed very eager to know all about Hogwarts. Jeff groaned mentally. He'd have to find a way to keep Marty away from Jeannie while they were there.  
"Are there other ghosts at Hogwarts?" asked Marty.  
"Four" replied Dumbledore. "However, there used to be five, which is why I'm here…" Before Jeff could speak, Marty jumped in again.  
"Are there any… girl ghosts?"   
Jeff rolled his eyes. Maybe Marty's mind wasn't quite as much on Jeannie as he'd thought. 


	2. 2

Thank you to Little Witch, who is the sole reviewer for the fic so far! Thanks hun!   
  
Harry Potter and the Dead Detective- Chapter Two  
  
Jeff stood under the clock at Kings Cross station looking confused and worried. He  
had agreed to a case without knowing anything about it, thanks to his overactive  
imagination and fantasy life. He just couldn't help it though; most of his real life was dull  
as dishwater, and smelled worse. As a result his inability to concentrate on anything other  
than Jeannie was growing seriously out of proportion. He had been watching telly the  
other night when Anne Robinson had actually morphed into Jeannie, bending over him and  
breathing "You're the weakest link Jeff, you naughty boy you…"  
  
The pervy little movie playing behind Jeff's eyelids distracted him from the fact that  
Jeannie was actually approaching. She smiled at him and his heart melted.  
"Ready to go Jeff?"  
"Sure. Can I just ask you something?"  
"Go ahead."  
"Where are we going?" Jeannie rolled her eyes.  
"Honestly Jeff I sometimes wonder if you're ever awake. We're going to platform nine  
and three quarters."  
  
Jeff wasn't sure he'd heard her properly. He wanted to ask her what she meant, but  
didn't want to make himself sound even more stupid. He followed Jeannie, who was  
heading in a direct line towards the barrier between platforms nine and ten. Before he  
could shout a warning she had vanished, and moments later his own momentum had  
carried him through the barrier. Jeannie was standing on the platform talking to a wizard.  
Jeff's eyes were drawn to the red and gold steam train. It was like something out of a  
storybook. Jeannie grinned as she saw him staring at it fascinated. Jeff had always loved  
trains. He was sweet like that, like a child almost. Just then the train whistled. It was time  
to be off.  
  
Once on board, Jeff and Jeannie found a compartment to themselves. Jeannie sat  
opposite Jeff and smirked at him.  
"So Jeff. Can I assume that you actually don't know anything about our current case?"  
Jeff felt his pride had been insulted.  
"What do you take me for?! I know we're going to a school to track down a missing  
ghost"  
"Well aren't you the memory man." Jeannie pulled out her notebook. "We've been  
hired by Professor Dumbledore, the head teacher. Our task is to find a ghost that's gone  
missing. We'll be given a room each in the staff wing. Most of the staff and pupils have  
gone home for Christmas, so we can stay as long as we need and we won't be disturbed.."  
"That's what I said." Jeannie looked at him. "Well, almost."  
  
The journey passed uneventfully. At one point a witch with a refreshments trolley  
came round. She mothered Jeff when she saw him eating a packet of crisps, and persuaded  
him to try a pumpkin pasty instead. However, when he tried to pay with ordinary money  
the trolley wouldn't accept it, and nearly bit her. The noise woke Jeannie. She fumbled in  
her pocket and produced a handful of silver coins. The refreshments witch took her money  
then left, still arguing with her trolley. Jeff was astounded.  
"How did you get them?"  
"Professor Dumbledore gave me them in case we were hungry. Here, there's some for  
you as well." She quickly handed him a small pouch containing silver and copper coins.  
Jeff weighed it in his hands and grinned.  
"Kept these quiet didn't you?"  
"Well I can't be expected to think of everything! If you'd been listening back at the  
office you'd have known about them as well." She paused. "What were you up to  
anyway? You had an awfully dreamy look on your face." Jeff quickly became interested in  
the view from the carriage window. Jeannie looked closer and realized he was blushing.  
She decided to give up trying to understand Jeff, and went back to sleep instead.  
  
When they reached the school they were greeted by Dumbledore and McGonagal  
along with Rubeus Hagrid, a giant of a man who towered over Jeff even more that most  
people did, and Severus Snape the potions teacher. Snape was a thin, pale man with a  
sallow complexion and greasy hair. Jeff wasn't sure, but he distinctly sensed that Snape  
didn't like him.  
  
"Professor Dumbledore", Snape spoke. "I'm sure Mr. Randall and Miss Hurst are  
wondering why you chose them to assist us in this matter, and how they, as non-magicals,  
can help us. Perhaps you'd care to explain?" Before Dumbledore could reply Jeannie  
stepped in.  
  
"Professor Snape. From what you've just said I gather you don't think we'll be much  
use in this case. Let me assure you, the Randall and Hopkirk agency are consummate  
professionals who tackle cases with enthusiasm, whether they involve magic or not."  
"Excellent Ms Hurst", said Dumbledore, beaming. "Then allow me to introduce Sir De  
Mimsy-Porpington, the Reverend Hufflepuff and Baron Slytherin."  
  
Jeannie shrieked as four ghosts promptly appeared, causing Snape to roll his eyes  
tellingly at Dumbledore. She glared back at him. Jeff noticed and casually positioned  
himself as a kind of human shield between them. His concern was not so much for  
Professor Snape's safety as that he would enjoy any form of contact with Jeannie, even  
being hit. Especially being hit… He noticed that Dumbledore was speaking, and was  
determined to pay attention this time.  
  
"… So you see each house is haunted by one ghost, who is traditionally was a member  
of that house before his death. There are four houses, Gryffindor, Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw  
and Slytherin." He paused. "The Ravenclaw house ghost is missing, and we would like  
you to find him." One of the ghosts drifted forwards.  
"Mr. Randall, I am Sir Nicholas De Mimsy-Porpington, and can I just say how  
delighted I am to meet you. Ms Hurst! You look wonderful! Perhaps you would care for a  
guided tour of the school?" They left together, while Jeff desperately tried to contain his  
jealousy. It was obvious that Jeannie's exit had been arranged for a purpose, but what? It  
soon became obvious. Dumbledore raised his wand and pointed down.  
  
"Accio, Marty Hopkirk!" Marty promptly appeared where the wand had pointed, still  
clutching an imaginary pint glass. He had spilled imaginary lager down his imaginary white  
suit, and as usual when things went wrong he had decided to blame Jeff.  
"What d'you think yer playing at, eh? It takes seconds to imagine this suit clean again!"  
Jeff scowled at him.  
"I bet it takes you ages to think of anything clean Marty." McGonagal coughed. Marty  
realized where he was.  
"This is it then? Hogwarts? Bit of a dump don't you reckon?" He winked at Jeff, who  
sighed.  
"Marty, they're wizards, they can see you you moron!"   
"And not only wizards", broke in McGonagal in an icy tone of voice. "The atmosphere  
of magic around the school is so strong that anyone can see you, Ms Hurst included.  
Which is why we thought we'd better get her out of the way before summoning you, given  
the history between you." Snape rolled his eyes again.   
"Are you telling me half of the partners in this detective agency can't see the other half  
on compassionate grounds? How on earth are they ever going to get anything done?  
Muggles!" He spat the word contemptuously.  
"Severus!" Dumbledore's voice was sharp. "Don't you have some ingredients you need  
to add to that Polyjuice Potion? Snape left, and Dumbledore was once again his genial  
self.  
"Mr. Randall, Mr. Hopkirk, perhaps you'd care for the grand tour?"  
  
Jeff was fascinated by Hogwarts. The classrooms appeared ordinary at first glance, but  
then you saw the cauldrons, the bats, the spells written on the blackboards. Jeff's parents  
had both been teachers, and he was sure they'd have loved a place like this. Marty didn't  
seem so bothered, and spent most of the tour arguing rather heatedly with the Baron.  
In the end they came to the large dining hall. Marty decided to take his leave. It made  
him envious to watch others eating real food, and besides he could see Jeannie sat at one  
of the tables. She was talking animatedly to a student, a girl with pigtails and glasses.  
"Give my regards to Wyvern", said Dumbledore. Marty vanished with a confused look  
on his face.  
  
Dumbledore left Jeff to speak to another teacher. He spotted Jeannie and began to make  
his way towards her. He stumbled, to the sound of laughter from behind him. A small pale  
boy followed by two very large ones swept past him.  
"Sorry, Muggle!" Jeff regained his balance and stared appalled at the boy. He heard  
Jeannie giggle, and turned. She had been joined at the table by three boys and a small girl,  
all with red hair. Together, they formed an instant group. Jeff felt saddened. Jeannie had  
fitted in straight away; while he couldn't escape the school bully even aged forty. Jeannie  
waved him over, and his spirits lifted. He joined the table, and was introduced to  
Hermione Granger. The boys with red hair were Fred, George and Ron Weasly, and the  
girl was their sister Ginnie. They were joined by a boy with jet-black hair and a strange  
scar on his head. This was Harry Potter. Jeff learned they were all members of Gryffindor  
house, who stayed over for Christmas.  
  
After the meal Fred and George invited them all to a party in the Gryffindor common  
room.  
"It's a very select gathering", explained Fred. George joined in.  
"Only the crème de la crème."  
"Upper school students."  
"And lower of course!" added George when he saw Ginnie.  
"Familiars…"  
"Ghosts…"  
"Detectives…"  
"The people they let in nowadays!" they chorused.  
Jeff and Jeannie stayed at the table a long time talking with the others. Eventually  
though they made their excuses and headed up to their rooms to pack. However when Jeff  
saw the grounds he refused to stay inside a moment longer.  
  
"How long has it been since we've had snow? Aww, look at it!" He ran out into the  
snow, grinning.  
"You are such a child!" Jeannie shook her head. "Hey Jeff, catch!" She began to pelt  
him with snowballs. Jeff had had a traditional boyhood, and one thing he knew how to do  
very well was make snowballs. As a result he soon had the upper hand, and pursued  
Jeannie, who was shrieking with laughter. Jeff slipped and lay flat on his back. Jeannie  
dashed over with the intention of filling his collar with snow. As she got near she realized  
how still he was lying.  
"Jeff? Are you alright?" Suddenly he grabbed Jeannie and started to pile snow on top of  
her. They rolled around in the snow giggling like kids. Suddenly their eyes met. Jeannie  
realized it felt rather good to have Jeff lying on top of her. Jeff took a deep breath and  
kissed her gently. They embraced and kissed again. It seemed to last forever. Jeannie felt  
Jeff's hands begin to explore her body gently. She sat up.  
"We can't do this here."  
"Why not?"  
"This is a school! There could be thousands of little children watching!"  
"They've all gone home for Christmas…"  
Jeannie got to her feet and took his hand.  
"Race you to my bedroom!"   
  
They ran hand in hand to the entrance and up the stairs. Jeff held the door for Jeannie as  
they reached her room. His heart was pounding and his palms were sweaty with nerves.  
Jeannie shut the door and kissed him softly. His nervousness vanished as she unfastened  
his shirt. Jeannie was beginning to wish she'd never seen Austin Powers Two. The  
temptation to shriek, "You are hairy like animal!" was becoming extremely strong, but  
she knew he'd be hurt.  
"Go and lock the door", she breathed. Jeff turned away, his pulse racing. When he  
turned back Jeannie's clothes were in a pile on the floor. She was in bed, beckoning him.  
Jeff felt it would be rude to refuse such an invitation.  
  
Meanwhile, Marty was sat in the Gryffindor common room talking to Harry and Ron.  
Fred and George had sneaked off to the kitchens to try and steal some food. Ron was  
angry.  
"I don't know why they don't let me go with them. I know where the kitchens are just  
as well as they do."  
"Maybe they don't want you to get caught. It must be quite difficult to steal food from  
a wizard." Ron sighed resentfully.  
"It's not dangerous at all. Not with the map." Marty didn't understand. "It's called the  
Marauder's Map. Watch this." As Marty watched, Harry brought out a piece of old  
parchment. He tapped it with his wand.  
"I solemnly swear that I am up to no good!" To Marty's astonishment, lines began to  
spread over the whole parchment. Within seconds a map of the school had been drawn. As  
he looked closer Marty saw that there were dots on the parchment, each one labeled with  
a name. Ron bent over and peered at the parchment.  
"There's Fred and George, look- Ha! Filch has got them!" Marty joined in the laughter  
as the Weasly twins were led away by Argus Filch, the school caretaker. His attention was  
drawn by a dot labeled 'The Bloody Baron'. He shivered; the Baron well deserved his  
nickname in Marty's opinion. There was something strange about the Baron's position.  
"Hey Ron, look at this. Forgive me if I'm being thick, but isn't this dot in the wrong  
place?" Ron frowned.  
"He's in the dungeons, isn't he?" Harry leaned forward.  
"No, look, Marty's right. He's on the wrong side of the wall to be in the dungeon…"  
Harry and Ron looked at one another.  
"There must be a secret passage!"  



End file.
